The Phantom Pooper

I heard this clip this morning on the Laura Ingraham show. You have to love local news stories.




If my memory serves me correct, below is a somewhat old picture of the culprit. If any of you have seen him and know where he is please contact the East Idaho Swat Team.

We Are Even.

The other day I had to take a detour to get home from work. Somewhere along Broadway I noticed the above sign advertising "Afro American Realtors." Some of you may recall a previous post of mine. As far as I am concerned these atrocities cancel each other out. On a side note, if any of you are looking for a good realtor please contact Earl.

OUT OF THIS WORLD

Just the other day I was driving on bell road when the above prize fell into my lap. Some days it just seems like everything goes right. If you can't decipher the code too well then keep reading. On the right we have a space craft. In the background there are mountains and on the left it reads, "Boston." What you might not be able to see are the faces of the band Boston above the words, "Boston." - That's my favorite part. Now that is a dedicated fan. I am assuming that beautiful creation was inspired by the below Boston album cover.

Now here is where the story takes a scary turn. I followed the car for about a half a mile until the driver pulled over and got out of the car. That is when I was able to snap the following photo.

DARN YOU SHAWN REED! warning: this post may contain adult photo content

I went paintballing last Saturday and it turns out (to my detriment) that Shawn Reed came also. Two games in a row Shawn Reed snuck up on my side while I shot at another member of his team. Needless to say he was close enough to give me some nice welts. If you'll notice kids, the welt by my shorts stopped spreading do to my elastic pants that also leave a lovely mark.

TEN YARDS AWAY FROM LOSING MY LEGS

This past weekend my family had a reunion in San Diego. The morning after we arrived we went down to La Jolla beach and tried to surf. I say "tried" because it isn't as easy as it looks on TV. While I was out in the ocean I saw huge black something swim under the water about ten yards in front of me. Needless to say, I was glad it kept swimming. I then looked up and saw a sea lion poking it's little head out of the water about 20 yards in front of me. For those of you that are wondering why the above sea lion has an antenna on his head - there is a reasonable explanation for that. That is a government sea lion trained to infiltrate the Chinese government and bring it to its' knees.

ANY TAKERS?

Earlier this month I was driving home from work on the I-10 and to my great amazement and pleasure I saw the above picture on the side of a pretty large truck with dark tinted windows. I tried to to get a good look at Ken but his image was mysteriously and consistently out of my view. I did however see what appeared to be Santa Clause in the passenger seat. I see the beginnings of a conspiracy theory here...but I'll leave that up to you.

As you can clearly see Ken is a big fan of his name (as seen twice in this picture - once in huge letters above RAM 1500 and once on the sign). It is also evident that he has run into some desperate times. I am not quite sure what the small writing says, but I believe the upper right hand word reads, "camping." What an advertisement! The only catch is that you might be living closer to the north pole than you may want.

p.s. this post is in response to all the hate mail I have been receiving lately for the lack of new posts.

Am I a bad person?

By the condo where we live there is a pond right outside our window. Every once in a while parents/kids that can read will ignore the big sign that says, "Warning, unfenced pond, children should be supervised at all times." On this particular occasion there was a girl admiring the turtles and ducks. When I noticed that she was trying to touch one of them I decided to grab the camera. I knew she wouldn't be able to get close enough because the turtles jump back in the pond the second they notice you are around. My motivation for getting the camera was worse... I was hoping to get a picture of her falling into the pond. I know that is sounds bad. I know you're saying, "What if the girl can't swim?" Trust me, that all went through my head while I anticipated her plunge into that nasty nasty water. I convinced myself that it would be a funny picture for everyone - including her parents - oh the laughs we all would have. Right? I continued convincing myself that if she fell in, it wouldn't be a problem because a) she could just stand up and the water would probably just go to her waist, and b) I could run out and help her out of the water in a matter of seconds. Well, needless to say, she didn't fall in - otherwise you would have seen a picture of her in the water.

P.S. The weirdest part is that she crawled out of that bush behind her and then when she was done she crawled back in. I haven't seen her since.

The Loving Lewis Family

The other day I was driving along on and to my amazement I saw the same car each of you are looking at right now. What's the deal with the Lewis Family sticker? (say that in you best Seinfeld voice.) Seriously, what is it supposed to mean when you put a circle with a line on a member of your family? In case you can't see the gender of all of them - from left to right - there is the adult male, a female, and two boys. If you'll notice the female is about the same height as the two boys and she has one of these - around her. I've been trying to figure out what message the driver is trying to get across. Here are some possible meanings:
a) The female was the wife and now they are divorced
b) She died, and/or is possibly one of the undead
c) The driver wants everybody to stay away from her
With the possible exception of letter c, it doesn't make sense to advertise those things in that manner. That is why I've come to the conclusion (after also seeing the scary driver) that he is mentally ill.
If you could enlighten me on this matter it would be much appreciated.

VICTORY!!!

It's about time! Rosie or "Ro" as she calls herself on her blog will finally be ousted from The View. Sure, they all say that the reason why she is leaving is because ABC, Rosie and her agent couldn't agree upon key contractual terms. The one main contract term they are floating around is that The View wanted Rosie to sign a three year contract and Rosie only wanted to sign a one year contract. Does anyone actually believe that? In the words of my wife Tatum, "If The View really wanted her back they would have agreed upon a one year contract." Either this is a cover up story to let Rosie save whatever face she can scrounge up or The View offered contractual terms that they knew she wasn't going to accept. If they really wanted Rosie, they could have signed a one year contract and received whatever benefits they hoped they would gain - for one year. By not signing a one year contract they now receive no benefits from Rosie and only have a month and a half to find a replacement that will need to benefit them at least as much or more than Rosie would have for the next year. My theory is that they have been looking for her replacement and had already found her before the contract negotiations with Rosie began.

Chapter 22: My Encounter With a Midget

I seriously don't know what to think. Throughout the video I was trying to decide whether or not there was some computer aided effects and if that was actually a little toddler or a magical little person. I came to the conclusion that I believe this to be a toddler -although a magical little person would have been just as amazing in my book. As far as the computer aided effects issue goes - There are definitely a few that hold his position still and possibly a few that speed up his moves, but when it comes to anything more than that - I'll let you decide 2005.

Do I look like a senior citizen?

This morning I took a little jaunt to CVS pharmacy (which happens to be located on the fringe of Sun City) to buy some much needed supplies for my wife who is feeling under-the-weather. When I was ready to make the purchase I went up front and had the following conversation with the 68 1/2 year old cashier:

Cashier: Hello
Me: Hi
Cashier: Do you have a CVS card?
Me: No, I don't.
Cashier: Well, why not?
Me: I don't know.
Cashier: Do you live around here? I mean...you're not a snowbird are you?
Me: Nope, I live around here.

A snowbird? Wait a second...I knew I had a few gray hairs but I didn't think they were noticeable to the naked eye. I might shop occasionally in a Sun City store or two but never once did I think I might be misstaken for one of them. I've always had a fear that one day as I shop in a Sun City store all the elderly would point at me while chanting over and over again, "You're not welcome here!" At least I know now that I will be able to shop in peace.

A thief in the night...

Last Sunday evening my home teaching companion and I went to visit a feller that we haven't been able to get a hold of. The number we have on record is for a drug rehab facility - always a good sign. When we stopped by there were about 5 newspapers on the driveway and all the lights in the house were off. We picked up the newspapers and headed to the front door. That's when we noticed the screen for the window next to the door was on the ground and the window was smashed in. Yes, I admit it, I was a little excited to call the cops (I didn't think anything was actually wrong - just the ordinary burglary while someone was on vacation). One cop comes and as soon as he gets out of his car he grabs an AR-15 (at least that's what my companion said it was), loads it, and straps it across his chest. At that moment I was trying to figure out how to tell Tatum that I was joining the police force.

He asked us a few questions and called for backup. When backup arrived they went inside to check the place out. I was waiting to hear gun shots but the burglar was long gone.

When they came back out they asked us about the guy we were trying to visit. They looked him up in their system and said that they didn't think he lived there anymore. They gave us another phone number for him since the one we had was bad. We called the number and to make a long story short, he is coming to church and is getting the priesthood in a couple of Sundays. Alright, Alright - that last part was a lie. The phone number they gave us was just another bad number.

Next week my companion and I will be hitting the Hassell's house in hopes of scoring a new plasma TV.

It's official.

Today Mitt Romney officially announced he was running for president. In my opinion, he gave a great speech. I'd suggest reading the whole thing. It certainly got me pumped up. He described current politics and the political posturing of many politicians. He gave what I like to call, "Mitt Romney's 8 Articles of Faith" where he talks about what he believes in. I really enjoyed it.

What a Deal!

Today I was on craigs list looking at cars for sale...and I found a 1967 Mustang Convertible for $1500. This is what the add looked like:

1967 Mustang Convertible project car $1500.00
Phone #
Address

The shadow is my favorite.

I am pretty sure this is beyond the scope of "Project Car." Might as well just build a replica out of wood. What exactly is this person trying to sell? Does it even have salvageable parts? If he gets $1500 for this, I think I should be able to get at least $30,000 for my beat up truck. Maybe I misunderstood the ad - he might be offering $1500 for someone to take it off his hands. In that case, I'll take two.

Separate but equal.

This is an outrage. I've been on the phone all weekend with the Rev. Al Sharpton and he assures me that we can stop the Super Bowl from coming to Glendale next year because Arizona is a racist state that allows its' Arizona State University to name its' tennis facilities, a traditionally white sport, "WHITEMAN Tennis Center." This is not only the most outrageous passive segregation technique in our day, but is also the sole cause for the relatively few number of African Americans in the sport of tennis. Arizona must be stopped in its' tracks before its' society reverts to even more extreme tactics of bigotry.

Disclaimer: The events in this post are fictional, however the name of the ASU tennis facility is not. I have never nor anticipate ever to contact the Rev. Al Sharpton.

It started with one...

Dear Driver,

Please, please, please seek counseling. It has gone on long enough. I understand that it may have started with a support the local police bumper sticker, but you've lost control. Bill Clinton can no longer run for president. Jim Pederson lost the election. Abortion has been legal for some time now. Although you may really like to eat at Carl's Jr., do you really need to advertise for them without any chance for compensation? Could you drive a little further away from the sidewalk... you're scaring me. We get it, you think you are smarter than Bush. 20 bumper stickers tell me otherwise. We are concerned and hope that you will receive the proper medications and mental adjustments that will help you to someday resolve the addiction you promote on the backside of your minivan. You can do this. It may take a new back door, but you can do this.

Love,
A Concerned Friend

Walmart... A special treat

A trip to Wal*mart is always an experience. I guess you could say that about everything. I decided to take advantage of their well priced 15 point lube express even though I should have figured it out by now that they don't check all the fluids they say. I went in with below minimum power steering fluid and left with below minimum power steering fluid. Somehow the receipt says they checked the power steering fluid and that it was good. That is the second time that same situation (different fluids) happened. One time Walmart even lost my truck key. I made them copy my spare. All three incidents happened at different Walmarts. Needless to say, I won't be going back to their cheap horrible service that come with long waits. However it was during this long wait that I met the man in the above picture. He comes in, sits down next to me and asks me if my hands hurt. I said, "no." He then said, "Well they should. They have nails in them." Of course I laughed...it was pretty funny. Once I gave him one laugh he had to try for the second. He said he did a great impression of a duck and wanted to know if I wanted him to do it. I confirmed that I did and then he stood up and put his hand close to his nose and ducked his head below it. He then sat down and said, "You expected me to go quack quack." It's true I did expect that.

Display #2:

Did she die strands of her hair blue or are those blue weaves? Does anyone under the age of 70 actually think blue hair is attractive? Frankly, this mystifies me.